I Skipped Lunch
by MarthaMars
Summary: Daniel used to have an eating disorder, what happens when Jack says something that makes Daniel relapse? One-shot friendship fic,sensitive topic, may trigger. Please Review.


**A/N: Well, this is an Eating Disorder one-shot dealing with the theme of anorexia and bulimia. This is a very sensitive subject and I hope that you find I've dealt with the subject with care. If anything I've written does seem disrespectful I apologise now, it's not intended to hurt anyone. **

**Warnings: Eating Disorders. **

**Disclaimer: I do not now, nor have I ever owned the rights to Stargate SG-1. **

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Daniel's POV: **

"Face it Jack, you lost!", Daniel Jackson walked slightly ahead of his friend and confidant Colonel Jack O'Neill.

"I DID NOT LOSE!"

"Yes Jack, yes you did."

"What seems to be the problem Daniel Jackson?" Teal'c their alien friend asked as they rounded a corner.

"Jack's just mad cause I beat him in a wrestling match for once. His ego's been badly damaged." Daniel says with a slight snigger to his tone.

"I see. Is this true Colonel O'Neill?"

"No it's not true Teal'c. Daniel and I were wrestling in the gym and I was winning when this big oaf trips and pulls me down with him. Due to some freak accident he somehow managed to land on top of me and bruise one of my ribs. Not my ego but my ribs!"

"Jack, it was NOT an accident. I tackled you, you went down. It's as simple as that. If it had been just a fall then you would have been able to flip me…and I did NOT bruise one of your ribs."

"Yes, you did which is why I'm going to subject myself to Janet after we've cleared this up. I WOULD have been able to flip you yes but you've bulked up so much recently I couldn't deal with the extra weight on my poor ribs. You see where I'm going with this…you need to be fit for missions Daniel, not…"

"Whatever Jack. What do you think Teal'c?"

"I think that if Colonel O'Neill's ribs are indeed bruised then he is in part right."

"Thank-you!" exclaims Jack.

"Fine, whatever. I'll see you both later. There's a briefing at 4 o'clock." Daniel walks off leaving two confused men behind.

'_The nerve of them! How could they say that. Jack's ALWAYS saying I need to bulk up more for missions and now he has the nerve the say I've done TOO much! it's just not right. And Teal'c…well I don't know anyone more built than he is. So what if I've put on a few pounds. I don't care. I'm still fit for missions. No I'm not going to give them another though. Jack was only being a sore loser. Wasn't he?' _My thoughts trailed off as I walked into my office. Old thoughts and fears were creeping back into my thoughts though, no matter how hard I tried to ignore Jacks earlier comment. I couldn't let myself return to that state again. Still Jack's comment was whispering to a part of my brain that I had long since locked away, taunting it, slowly drawing it back into my conscious mind. Jack's one comment had unknowingly set off a series of events which would change my life forever.

I skipped lunch.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I walked into the briefing room with minuets to spare. Everyone was already seated.

"Sorry, I was just finishing up a translation for the briefing." I tell them.

"Not a problem Dr. Jackson. Now who'd like to start?" asked General Hammond.

"I will sir." said Samantha Carter, Major in the air force and scientist extraordinaire.

"Basically we've sent the malp through to a planet we've designated P42 986. The feed back we've got so far seems to be positive. Oxygen levels are normal, weather conditions seem to be fairly consistent and no sightings of any Goa'uld. However the MALP did pick up several walls of alien script"

"Which was the reason I was late." I cut in.

"The script was actually a variation of Goa'uld with Romanian undertones. Now this seems to be the first evidence to suggest that the Goa'uld reached main land Europe. However from what I've translated so far the Goa'uld shouldn't be a problem on this planet." I say.

"Why not?" asks Jack.

"Well…" I push my glasses up on my nose.

"…you see these writing seem to be stories. This one…" I say as I pull out sheets and pass them around,

"…is about how the ancient people of P42 986 rose up and fought their Gods armies, eventually driving them out. It also says how they destroyed the mother ship, with their God through the means of a mystical power device. If you look carefully you'll actually see a fade picture of what looks to be…"

"A ZPM?"

"Exactly Sam. They continue to say how only a few in their number could work the technologies associated with it." I tell them.

"Dr. Jackson, you think these people might contain the same gene that Colonel O'Neill has?" asked General Hammond.

"Yes. It stands to reason that earth was not the only other planet the Ancients colonised. Even if we are the Tau'ri."

"Very well, I'll authorise a general recon mission for tomorrow. You leave at 0800." Said General Hammond leaving the briefing room.

"You think these writings will help us Daniel?" asked Sam.

"I don't know. I don't think that we'll find any natives though. However I think having a clearer look at these writings will give us a chance to find another means of fighting the Goa'uld."

"Well that's just peachy. Now can you to stop babbling long enough to let me and Teal'c leave?" Jack said. We hadn't realised we'd stopped to talk in front of the door to the briefing room.

"Sorry sir."

"Sorry Jack." we answered near simultaneously

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I walked into the Gate room geared up and ready to go. I was looking forward to translating the writings we had scene. It wasn't often I got to just translate something without rushing or looking over my shoulder the entire time. Obviously I wouldn't be able to work quite as carefully as I should but then beggars can't be choosers.

"SG-1, you have a go." said General Hammond over the intercom. Looking up at the large circle in front of me the four of us took the firsts steps up the ramp in time together. We entered the stargate and exited on P42 986.

The walls were made of stone easily 7 or 8 inches thick. The script chiselled into them. Immediately I set off to the closest wall.

"Ack!" Jack held up a finger and waggled it.

"You know the drill Daniel. Secure the area first, play later." I huff a bit but wait for Jack and Teal'c to confirm that there is no imitate danger present. I look expectedly at Jack.

"Fine, go play." I smile and go straight to the wall I'd seen earlier. I took dozens of pictures. Made multiple charcoal pressings and several immediate translations. It was a good days work.

"Sir, we're setting up camp now. It's starting to get dark. Maybe you and Daniel should return…"

"Yea okay Major. We'll be right there."

"Daniel…Daniel…" I look up and see Jack calling me.

"Yea?"

"Time to go. Carters already started setting up camp. We can come back tomorrow."

"But Jack…"

"Ack! Do you WANT to subject us to her cooking?" That gets me moving. Everyone knows that Sam can't cook for her life. We pack up and leave for the evening. I'm pretty happy with the work I got done anyway.

As it is Teal'c made dinner and its waiting for us when we return to the camp. I took in hungrily.

"Whoa! Slow down there Daniel. Save some for the rest of us." I stop eating and see the rest of my team staring at me. I swallow the last of my food and look down embarrassed. I cough.

"Whatever Jack." I manage to choke out. I hate Jack for his comment after I've finished throwing up my meal.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I lie awake in my sleeping bag ignoring my churning stomach. Only hours ago I had thrown up my first meal in almost 10 years. 10 years hard work gone down the drain in one day. How had Jack's comments reduced me to this? In my heart of hearts I knew Jack did not mean what he was saying. I knew that he was just teasing, but his comments struck a cord deep within me. He was touching a raw nerve which had never been fully protected. Now, the nerve was exposed and throbbing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Welcome back SG-1," said General Hammond. Jack, Sam, Teal'c and I walked down the ramp in the gate room.

"General! Good to be back," said Jack. He was quiet happy to be off the planet as he was somewhat bored while there. I was feeling light headed. In the four days we stayed on the planet I had snuck away to throw up every meal and the effects were starting to hit me now.

"Go get checked out and we'll have a briefing in one hour," said the General. We all walked out of the gate room eager to freshen up. Even if we had to see Janet first.

We got the all clear from Janet and during the briefing I suggested that General Hammond send a return team to the planet as there was plenty off information we could use against the Goa'uld. It was a pity SG-1 was a first contact team. There are some days I wish I could just stay on a planet and really study the ruins completely. But for now, I just wanted to get home and get some sleep. I hadn't been able to sleep on the planet at all as I was thinking about food way too much. I just needed to get away from it all. I needed to get away from Jack.

I walked into my apartment, with it's organised chaos and just went straight into the bedroom. I slept through lunch, and dinner.

I felt groggy the next morning. I'd gone longer without food, but, I wasn't used to purging. It had been a long time since I'd resorted to that. Thankfully we had the day off. Downtime.

I got up and got dressed drinking only a cup of coffee before leaving my apartment. I stretched and jumped on the spot for a few minuets before setting off at a light jog. If I wanted to eat at all today I needed to burn off some calories.

As I ran all I could think of was how could I have relapsed so badly? How did Jack have that much control over me? I ran faster, as though running away from my thoughts. I needed to forget everything. I needed to eat.

I got back to my apartment, sweating, shaking and sick. I'd run six miles in an hour and a half. I was wrecked. I jumped into a cold shower and washed off. Cooling down I became determined to eat something. I didn't realise just how hard that would be.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was looking at the cheese and tomato sandwich, on a plate, sitting on my coffee table. I'd been staring at the sandwich for an hour now. It was taunting me. Slowly, with a shaky hand, I reach out and grab half the sandwich. I breath in deeply through my nose. I lift the sandwich up to my lips and try to take a bite.

'_Knock Knock!_'

I look up at the door in surprise. I wasn't expecting anyone today. I put the uneaten sandwich down and walk to the door. Annoyed as I am with the interruption I know I'm grateful for it. This way I can say I didn't eat the sandwich because someone was at the door, instead of I just couldn't do it.

I open the door and to my surprise Jack is standing right there.

"Heay Daniel, going to invite a fellow in?" Said Jack. I sigh and try not to roll my eyes before stepping back and allowing Jack into my apartment. I don't want him there, but with no valid excuse I can't say no to him.

"Want something to drink?" I ask.

"Got any beer?" he says.

"No." I tell him and sit down on my couch again. I push the plate and sandwich away from me.

"Okay. You going to eat that?" he asks pointing to my sandwich.

"Eh…" I hesitate. "…no, I already had one. I made too much. You want it?" I ask hopefully.

"No no. You go ahead." Said Jack. I nod. But don't touch the sandwich. He raises his eyebrow.

"So, what are you doing around here?" I ask.

"Oh nothing much. Just thought I'd drop bye. Oh and eh, Janet told me to tell you that she wants to see you first thing in the morning. Anything I should know about?" I feel myself pale. She couldn't know. Right?

"N-no Jack. I'm n-not s-sure why she would want to see me at all." I worried now.

"Since when do you stutter?" Jack asks. '_Ah crap it anyway. Jack just has to notice everything. Well…not everything. He didn't notice how much his comments hurt…quit it!_' Talking to myself is defiantly NOT a good sign.

"Did I? Huh. Slip of the tongue."

"Right. Well eat up Danny-Boy. Don't let your sandwich go to waist. We can't have you skipping meals, right?" _He knows! _The way he's looking at me now. It's like we're playing some demented game of chicken. Glaring at him I pick up the sandwich. It feels heavy. Slimy. The juice from the tomatos has moistened the bread. Stained it. Yuck!

I lift the sandwich to my lips, still looking at Jack. He's not even pretending that he's not watching my every move. He defiantly knows. But how much?

I take a bite. It's disgusting. The bread and cheese and tomato are rolling around my mouth. Despite the tomato juice, the lump of food is dry. I try to swallow it, honestly I do. But, I can't. Before I know it my mouth is watering. A precursor to vomiting. I run for my bathroom. Before I know it I'm throwing up bile, from an empty stomach.

Worst of all, Jack is beside me with a wet face cloth. He's dampened it from the sink beside me and is running it across my forehead and the rest of my face.

After a few more minuets I shakily get up. Jack helps me back into the living room and I collapse on the couch.

"How long's this been going on?" Jack asks, sitting on my coffee table.

"How long has what been going on?" I say deliberately. I need to know just how much he knows first, before I can answer.

"Don't play dumb Daniel, it doesn't suit you. How long have you had an eating disorder?" I turn my head to look at Jack.

"How much do you know?" Blunt and to the point. I keep my voice steady, mechanic.

"Honestly Daniel, not much. Dr. Fraiser rang me today telling me about some of your test results. She's allowed do that by the way, cause I'm you Commanding Officer so don't get snippy with her. She says that your results indicate that you've been throwing up a lot recently. She said that your results show that you haven't been eating much if anything. She also says that you've lost a lot of weight recently. Do you want to tell me what all this is about?" I close my eyes as I listen to Jack. At least Janet didn't tell Jack about my history. I've know doubt that it would have been in my medical files.

"Jack…15 years ago I started starving or else purging myself of meals. I lost a lot of weight and eventually I was hospitalised. I was given a feeding tube and told if I didn't start eating soon I would die. 10 years ago I purged for the last time. Until that is, a few days ago."

"Jesus." said Jack.

"I know it's wrong, and I know I can't keep going like this. I'm disgusted that I've let 10 years hard work be ruined like this. But, I can't help it Jack. I just can't help it." I sit up on the couch and look at Jack properly.

"I'm not in a good place right now Jack. But I'll sort it out. I'll get better. I did before." I need to convince Jack that I can beat this. I need to convince myself.

"Daniel, I'm sorry. But until that happens I have to ground you form any off-world missions. It's policy. It's just not safe. You understand right?" I do but it doesn't mean I have to like it.

"I won't be like this for long Jack. I know I won't." I tell Jack determinedly.

"Okay. Can I ask what triggered the…eh…relapse?" Jack looks curious.

"It's not important…" I say.

"Of course it's important Daniel. If it can have this kind of effect on you I should know about it. Did someone say something to you? 'Cause you know if they did, I can have them transferred out of the SGC so fast…"

"Thank-you Jack. But, no. It's alright."

"No it's not Danny. You're too important to us, to me, to lose you to something like this. Tell me who the bastard was and I'll…"

"IT WAS YOU OKAY!!! It was you…" That shut him up, I think to myself.

"What? I never…"

"But, you did Jack. You weren't trying to be mean. I know that. You were just joking around. But, I've always been oversensitive about my weight, and you just hit a nerve. That's all." I try to explain it to Jack but he's not taking it well.

"What did I say? Oh Danny I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Jesus, I can't believe I'm the reason you're sick."

"Look Jack You're not to blame. I know that. If you were I wouldn't be talking to you right now. But I need you to calm down. Please Jack. I promise you, I don't blame you for any of this." Jack looks at me.

"You really don't blame me?"

"Of course not. You're my best friend. Look, my weight has always been a sensitive issue for me, but I never told you that. Had you known I've no doubt that you'd never have made those comments."

"Never Danny. I'd never have said a word had I known."

"So, now what?" I ask.

"Huh?" He looks at me.

"Now what? I mean if I'm stuck on desk duty for the next…" I pause. How long is it gong to take for me to get better again? Something tells me It's not going to be easy. Especially after today's fiasco.

"Talk to Janet tomorrow. She'll tell you what'll happen. But, Daniel, I'd imagine she'll want you to see a shrink!" I flinch at the thought of it.

"NOT Mackenzie." I say forcefully.

"No, not Mackenzie. I'll make sure of it."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm grateful for Jack's assurances that I won't be forced to see Mackenzie but I still lay awake in my bed worrying over tomorrow. I don't want to see Janet. I know that my behaviour is a problem. I went through all this so long ago that I know what everyone will say, how they'll react. How they'll expect me to react. But this is nearly harder now. 'Cause this time, this time I can see it from both sides. Yet I still go through with it.

Jack didn't force me to eat anything else before he left and I couldn't make myself try again. Surprisingly though I feel fine at the moment. A headache seems to be my worst ailment. Tomorrow I will try again. Something light. I don't know if I can do this though. I mean, now I know exactly what could…will happen to me if I let this continue. It's hard though. I hate myself for that. It shouldn't be hard. It defiantly should not be hard to eat, to keep it down. I managed so well for years. Why is it something so small set me off again? All I know is that I have to beat this. Before, the first time, I didn't have much going for me. Just my studies, now, now I've so much more. I have to get better. I will get better. I don't want to leave the SGC, or SG-1...or…Jack.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**A/N: Well, what did you think? There are so many stories out there about Daniel self-harming or attempting suicide whether it's in his past or present but very few suggesting Daniel took to another form of copping. I hope you liked the story and that it depicted the feeling associated with eating disorders in a respectful way. **

**Please Review. **


End file.
